“Liraz, are we falling?” He whispers silently and all I can do is stare at the marks on his fingers, like a man who just came from war except it wasn’t my blood. “Liraz, when will you stop running?”
“When I feel loved and there isn’t any hole.”
The words strike a soft blow, his faint grunt is all I hear, like I deprived him of oxygen, does he even know how it feels to be in such a state, when you don’t know anything but the walls are closing on you, you claw at the walls that are meant to protect you and beg to be released but those desperate pleas are met with even greater constraints. You want to live but you have to survive, you fake a smile for years convinced you will live a happy life. Does he know how it feels to be a mess inside?
I searched for years for a cure to my depression, a masked obsession of love that I have never felt but treasured and now I feel it seems too good to be true, is this what happy people do?
Poetic as it may be, love isn’t for me.
“Liraz, what do you mean?” His almond eyes focus on me as if I’m the only one he sees, I’m not naked but his eyes burn me, his intense gaze burns me and he doesn’t even have to touch me.
“Go away,” I turn from his face, our love has gone to waste; those years we spent in Cherry Meadows have been cut short.
“Not till you explain yourself,” He grips me fiercely but I could always tell if a person wanted to hurt me he wasn't trying to harm me.
“What do you wish I say, my dear Oliver, that my life has been in disarray and like that our love flickered away, do you wish I lied? I said it is much better this way.”
“Don’t say things you will regret, today, if your wish is to end us please do it in a nicer way, teatime will be nice, at least my heart won’t falter twice.”
It was then I realized what I did to you was just as cruel as what they did to me, your brown eyes turned hollow and desperately stared at me, you whispered in my ear and begged me to reconsider. Our 3 year affair had turned into something greater.
That was five years ago and five years later, I still wonder what would have happened if I didn’t reconsider. We live somewhere far off in the meadows that we ran through as kids. The hole I felt filled with a familiar spirit. Despite the fact they never wanted me to be yours, God made us triumph against all odds. Little Tommy won’t live my life. I swore till I die he won’t feel empty inside, he will feel the love you showered me all those years ago and our family will thrive.
Every miscarriage we had you held me tight while I cried helplessly in the night, the midwives stopped knocking at our door and our condition was deemed as punishment and reminder for all. In a society so backward, health and love never triumphs. It was always duty and strength or how many kids could make it to bed. Your parents called and told you to cut the engagement off and they were met with a nasty retort, you saw me watching from the hall and swore they wouldn’t bother me anymore. Dear Oliver, if only you knew what I went through without you, the pain and suffering love masked as abuse, the scars engraved so deep in my skin, faint marks of a warrior escaping the battlefield.
In these Cherry Meadows I have found peace, waking up to the scent of pinewoods and with you beside me checking my heartbeat. I live with ease and it's all because you are with me.
Oh, dear reader, how do you feel? I bare my heart to you when you ask for a thrill. I do not wish to sugarcoat or fool you into thinking that true health, the one we call wealth, comes in one form the physical not within. Don’t be afraid to detach and give yourself a pat on the back, for the pain you feel is only temporary and the struggles are for a little while but the joy coming is not worth risking everything. You can’t thrive in an environment where you don’t feel loved. It is totally ok to cut them off. Not everyone will understand you at first but those who notice the first are the brightest. Toxicity may harbor at the door but distance is sweeter than those sweet compliments you adore.
It took us several years to get to this point, looking back I was the one holding back my happiness. The failure to succumb to the love I was destined to feel has delayed my breakthrough but still it is better to wait than to completely self- sabotage. A little longer is better than never.